I Love You' Shouldn't Be a Secret
by liron-aria
Summary: Elizabeth turned to look at him as a dopey smile spread across his face. "What?" she asked, eyebrows rising. / "What what?" John teased back. / "Don't 'what what' me!" / "I love you, know?" John laughed. / Elizabeth blinked. "John…"


A/N: Whoo, look at that, my first foray into the SGA fandom! I've written this as aro-ace John in a queerplatonic relationship with Elizabeth, but it can be interpreted however you want.

Disclaimer: I do not own any part of the Stargate franchise. If I did, Elizabeth Weir and Janet Fraiser would still be alive.

That said, please read and enjoy!

* * *

Lantea's moon hung high in the sky above them, bright and full. There was a soft breeze curling up the tower's high balcony, lightly ruffling their hair.

Well. Elizabeth's more so than his. John's hair was too thick and heavy for the light breeze to move it, but Elizabeth's wasn't. He could hear the distant murmurs of the rest of the expedition inside the tower, enjoying the food and drink - powerful Athosian moonshine - at a party on one of their days off.

John and Elizabeth were out on the balcony looking out over the city, the spot dubbed "theirs" by everyone else. John was buzzed, enjoying the warmth of alcohol since he wasn't on duty anymore. Elizabeth was rosy-cheeked beside him, so he was pretty sure she was just as tipsy.

"It's _so beautiful_ out here," Elizabeth said with a wistful grin, "I don't think I'll ever get over it!"

John looked at her sidelong, his expression softening at her moonlit profile, her skin almost silvery and her hair wine-dark. "Yeah," he found himself saying.

Elizabeth turned to look at him as a dopey smile spread across his face. "What?" she asked, eyebrows rising.

"What what?" John teased back.

"Don't 'what what' me!"

"I love you, know?" John laughed.

Elizabeth blinked.

"I do," John insisted determinedly, "Because - because you're amazing. You're smart and clever and brave and beautiful and you get that look in your - that twinkly one where you're all excited about what new thing we've discovered and when you read Ancient and then there's that face you make, like when Rodney and Zelenka blow something up, or when me and Rodney in a debrief like you're amused because you think it's funny, you totally do, but you can't show it because you're our leader and we all look up to because amazing like a queen - Queen of Atlantis!"

"John…"

John stopped his excited babble and registered Elizabeth's expression, her eyes bright and faintly pained.

… Crap.

"John," Elizabeth replied softly, her words stilted, "You - I - you know I can't -"

"Can we pretend I didn't just say that?" John blurted out, "We should - we should pretend I didn't say that."

Elizabeth looked at John for a long moment, before she sighed, pulling herself back together. "We should get back inside. It's getting late."

"… Yeah…" John muttered, staring after her as she left.

_Queen of Atlantis._

* * *

Some words couldn't be taken back, changing everything for better or for worse.

John and Elizabeth… didn't change.

They were professionals, of course, never letting out a hint about what had happened through their briefings and mission reports. The words on the balcony were forgotten; they moved on.

John still bounded into her office with a sunny smile when reporting in from missions, still sassed his way through department chief meetings, still drove her up the wall whenever he was in close proximity to Rodney. He still kicked his legs up on any surface near his seat that didn't have food on it.

He still peeked over her shoulder at all the other files on her tablet when he turned in his reports, ignoring her attempts at shooing him away. Eventually she gave up and told him to make himself useful, passing over some of the files and attempting to hold back a laugh as he dramatically narrated them back to her.

The one time Elizabeth thought maybe John hadn't forgotten after all was when Richard Woolsey was conducting his review, and John stormed into her office threatening to punch him.

He bristled with righteous anger, his hair sticking up at all ends and reminding her of an outraged hedgehog.

"I've never seen you this way," she said in surprise, turning away from her work to look at him fully. "What did he say to you?"

"_Besides_ judging every damn decision you've ever made?!"

A very outraged hedgehog.

"John Sheppard," she said in amusement, leaning back in her chair, "Are you defending my honour?"

John's eyes widened in immediate denial, and he scrambled for a response. "_And_," he denied, slightly flustered, "_judging_ me for agreeing with you."

This time Elizabeth really did have to hold back a laugh as John put a hand on his hip victoriously, proud that he had deflected suspicion when he very distinctly hadn't. She was worried about Woolsey, yes, but she trusted her people and would fight with all her strength to stay in Atlantis.

_Her_ Atlantis.

"It's the thought that counts," she offered as John sprawled in the chair across her desk, sulking.

John continued to look defiant, ready to take up arms in her defence at a moment's notice. Their conversation drifted to the affairs of the rest of the expedition, still trying to function as normal despite Woolsey's interference. It was in the middle of John reviewing the changes in the guards in the control tower that Elizabeth realised John _fit._

She couldn't imagine Atlantis without him, couldn't imagine a day without seeing him light up her office, a day without him trying to make her laugh. She couldn't imagine anyone leading the soldiers in her city as efficiently, with such loyalty and charisma.

If Woolsey's review didn't go well, she'd lose that, lose _him,_ and the thought felt like a shard of glass piercing her chest.

Oh.

Maybe she loved him, too.

* * *

John never forgot, but loving Elizabeth was like breathing - it wasn't something he had to think about to do. He wasn't the flowers and romance kind of guy, much to his ex-wife's eternal frustration, but Elizabeth didn't need flowers and romance.

Loving Elizabeth was bring her artefacts from a new mission, introducing her to new allies and grinning proudly as she kicked everyone's ass at negotiating. Loving her was standing between her and a bullet, fury licking at his bones. Loving Elizabeth was passion and joy and adventure and endless discoveries spinning out around them.

Loving Elizabeth was loving Atlantis with her, and John did that with ease.

Loving Elizabeth was knowing that if she was dying, she would never _ever_ want them to risk the safety of Atlantis to save her.

Loving her meant holding her hand with no thought of his health to give her the strength to fight the nanites and then turning around and ordering Rodney not to reprogram the Replicator nanites to rebuild her body.

Loving her meant not being to stay at her bedside because he had to lead Atlantis for her instead. Loving her meant leaving her behind to save them.

Loving her meant that he'd never stop looking until he brought her home.

* * *

"John, uh, everything alright?"

John looked up from his tablet to see Rodney standing in front of him awkwardly. He blinked. "Why wouldn't it be?"

Rodney drummed his fingers on the table, a sign of his nervousness. "Just, with Elizabeth, and the Replicators…"

John's expression cooled slightly, but he waited expectantly for Rodney to get to his point.

"And, well, you and Elizabeth were… you know…"

John's brow furrowed. "We were what?"

Rodney looked uncomfortable. "You and Elizabeth. Together."

John felt a familiar knife slide roughly into his heart and he swallowed down his grief, his expression clouded. "Elizabeth and I weren't… together."

They should have been.

Rodney's eyes widened in surprise. "You weren't? Why the Hell not?!"

John glared. "_Rodney."_

"Right! Um, I just wanted to say, if what we're about to do, if it's too hard - it's hard for all of us, let's be honest - I'm here, if you want to talk."

John watched his teammate for a long moment before he exhaled slowly, one corner of his mouth curving up. "Thanks, Rodney. I'll be fine."

Rodney left unsurely and John rubbed his thumb against his fingers, absently musing on the small, dark-haired woman under guard on another level of Atlantis. Elizabeth, in F.R.A.N.'s body.

Elizabeth, who he loved, who he'd finally accepted had died.

Except she _wasn't_, and _he'd given up searching for her._

There were a lot of reasons for him to hate himself, and this was at the very top right now.

It was as bad as - _worse_ than - Carson. They should have been able to count on their friends finding them… and their friends had failed.

He'd failed.

He'd failed the woman he had loved, still loved, and probably would for a long while.

It still felt unreal; F.R.A.N.-Elizabeth spoke like Elizabeth, but the voice was all wrong, her gait and body language stilted and _wrong._ She was - she was a stranger, not the familiar queenly fixture looking out over Atlantis from the banister of the control room.

And this time, it wasn't a matter of respecting her dying wishes.

This time… it was a matter of _killing_ her.

More blood on his hands, red as Elizabeth's shirts.

* * *

"John."

John turned towards the familiar-unfamiliar voice, and F.R.A.N.-Elizabeth smiled sadly.

"If I told you I loved you, do you think we could pretend I hadn't said it?"

The words slammed into John and this was real, this was Elizabeth, _brave, compassionate Elizabeth who would do whatever it took to save Atlantis, their people, this was Elizabeth who he loved and who loved him, this was_ -

"Elizabeth…" John couldn't remember when his voice was this raw, "I - you -"

Elizabeth's expression was gentle, tinged with sorrow. "I know, John."

John's breath caught in his throat. There was so much he wanted to say, but Rodney announced that the Stargate was ready behind them. Elizabeth raised her hand to touch him, but then hesitated, and her fingers curved in and her hand dropped back to her side. John's body refused to listen to him when he told it - screamed at it - to reach out and take her hand, but they were turning and walking down the steps to the Stargate.

Elizabeth stepped through the glowing blue puddle without looking back, and John's heart dropped through the floor when the next Replicator followed through.

In her final act, the Queen saved her people.

John watched as every Replicator left, until the wormhole closed behind them. His eyes burned and fell shut.

_"I love you."_

They should never have pretended he hadn't said that.

* * *

A/N: Thoughts? Comments? Please, let me know!


End file.
